Healing the Inner Child After a Re-Traumatizing Event

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by Baerbel Froehlin
www.smoothchanges.com

In the fall of this year I went on a trip to Germany to spend time with my 40-year old son Ben (not his real name) and my two grandchildren. I specifically planned this trip because I know that it is important for us to share who we become as we live our lives far apart. Ben and I have a complicated and distant relationship that needs lots of attention and nurturing.

I’m happy to say that I was able to move on from my dysfunctional earlier life and have become a successful therapist and a much more balanced person. In the course of the emotional recovery from an abusive family of origin and the progression of my professional life as a hypnotherapist and EFT practitioner I was fortunate to empower many clients by facilitating their release of old demons. I love the fact that I’m allowed to talk openly about any issues or problems, get advice if needed but still practice having boundaries.

My son feels exactly the opposite.

He refuses to discuss or share any personal issues, is threatened by the idea, always refusing to let others know about them. Each time we are together he’ll at some point behave in a threatening, intimidating way when he gets stressed. I know that he carries tons of anger inside and always feel, he is a walking volcano, waiting to explode. Naturally, this does not provide a base for real intimacy in our relationship.

On this recent visit the volcano exploded, unexpected and seemingly out of nowhere. Our extended family sat around the kitchen table, eating. Ben, a tall, strong man, reprimanding his 8-year old son, grabbed him by the neck and lifted him up, the way you do when you lift up a rabbit or cat, shook him violently while yelling from the top of his lungs at him, not letting him down. The little boy whimpered, trying to free himself, his feet dangling in the air, telling his dad he would be a good boy. Ben held him up, threatening him, his raging face in front of him.

While noticing this scene unfolding I was unable to move or talk or breathe, I was paralyzed in complete shock.

I was back being a child again, my dad and later my older brother beating me up terribly, again and again, yelling at me, raging faces before my eyes, shaking me, attacking me with their overpowering physical strength, lashing out at the small helpless child with incredible cruelness. Destroying my trust and my need for safety, over and over again.

I felt frozen in fear, violated again, unable to do anything, unable to help my grandson, unable to help myself get out of the paralysis. I had to be mother and child at the same time but was in Inner Child mode. There was a clear moment when my Inner child said loudly and very angrily: “I am not going to go through this again, I will not let you do this to me again ever!”

Only much later was I able to tap on my feelings.
There is of course much to tap on, for here now I will focus only on some of the tapping phrases I did for the re-traumatized little girl, my Inner Child. Much more work to do, especially surrogate tapping for my son and my grandson as well.

We also did visualizations including a reframing of the incident.

While I tapped on myself I imagined tapping on that shaking little girl. I realized in the process that she was fuming with anger. Soon she calmed down visibly, put her arms around me as I felt her strength returning.

[Note: When doing Inner child work it is often helpful to have a picture of yourself at a young age that you can relate to. Do some deep breathing to get yourself into a trance as you start connecting with your child!]

We tapped for being traumatized and shamed again. Notice how she suddenly talks about not being able to sleep safely during the night: I’ve been an insomniac all my life until a few years ago.

Even though I was terrified by the attack …. Completely unprepared …. Didn’t see it coming ….. he hurt me badly

Even though he took my breath away …. I was so afraid …. Couldn’t defend myself ….feeling paralyzed again …. The dark moments still do that to me ….

Even though he yelled and screamed at me and the little boy ….. nothing we could do to help ourselves ….. the bullies … the perpetrators are too strong …. It happens out of nowhere….. and we can never feel safe ….
Not safe enough to sleep through the night …. Not relax at any time.”

We tapped for the pain, the rejection and anger:

Even though he doesn’t love me …. and hurts me over and over again… his rage is scary… Like a wild animal… out of control … I’m so afraid of him… No place to hide. nowhere safe…
I never know when it will happen again.

How can he do this to me? Doesn’t he know that I love him? I’m sad and alone… I’m weeping… I need to be held and comforted… I can never trust again.”

Recovery and Breaking free:

Even though for too long now I was a fearful child… and some of the fears have ruled my life…
I will now use that fear to protect myself… go forward and confront the beast.

Although the child inside me has remained small …..I have grown up …..I’m not the small helpless child anymore

I have learned through my adult life that I’m powerful ….and important… I’m precious and wonderful…. I’m unique and worthwhile… I deserve and receive love and respect.

I now choose to promise myself… I will not be intimidated by controlling or abusive behavior anymore… The shaming messages I hear and those I remember are not based on reality… and I reject them… They have nothing to do with me… I choose to break free… and live my life without the restrictions of negative old childhood patterns.

Reframing Visualization:

My Inner child and I are confronting the perpetrator while I tap on myself. We are surrounded by healing white light as she talks to the monster.

“How could you do this to me? Don’t you know that I’ve always loved you? I will not let you do this to me again ever!”

Even though you hurt me in the past ….I now choose to understand that there is a lost and frightened child inside you… That horrible monster I saw lashing out when you attacked me… I’m now going to shrink it down until it is very small…

Because I have grown powerful and strong I’m not afraid of you any longer…..

I’ll take the hand of my little one and take charge of the situation… protecting her and myself at the same time…
We are now healing our wounds…I stand by my child, providing strong support.“

We smile at each other as the beast starts to weep and crumbles in front of us. Then the little one says:

“I forgive you….. I’m not afraid of you anymore….I can feel your pain. You are very important to me. There is a place for you in my life.”

There is great peace now, the room is filled with love.

Nourishing my Inner child:

In this visualization I made life safe for my little one by creating a safe haven for her. She loves animals so I add cats and dogs to the place. She joins me and is very excited, jumping up and down, can’t wait to play with them.

Tapping on myself:

I have the power to create a safe haven, where she can relax and play joyfully…
There is a nice cozy place inside my heart just for her…
She likes it there… she knows I give her all the nourishment…
love, warmth and protection… all the freedom she needs…
whenever she needs them…
She knows I am just a heartbeat away………
Together we begin our new life…

To be continued soon!

Love and Peace,
Baerbel