I can’t blame my short-term memory lapses on my age. I’ve had this problem all my life. Neurofeedback sessions have helped a lot, but there are still gaps that leave me frustrated and even exasperated at times. To try to fill these gaps, I’ve developed some habits that help, like putting my billfold, glasses, car keys etc. in the same location every night when I empty my pockets, so that finding them in the morning will be routine.

Recently, I was rushing around getting ready to leave for work, when I realized my billfold was not in its usual place. Immediately, my anxiety rose, triggering thoughts such as, what if I get stopped by a traffic cop on the way to work? What will I do if I have to make a credit card purchase?

I frantically raced through the house, revisiting all the places I had been last night, the living room, my home office, my wife’s computer desk, my clothes closet, the kitchen and dinette. In my closet, I’d twice checked the coat and pants pockets of the clothes I had been wearing yesterday. When the second time around the house didn’t locate the billfold, I found my anxiety enhanced by frustration. The thought of having to notify the credit card companies to cancel and reissue, as well as having to apply for a replacement driver’s license, added anger to the above emotions.

Then a thought popped into my mind, why not try tapping? Though new to this tool, with still a lot to learn, I sat down and began tapping:

Even though I know I’ve been careless with my billfold, I very much would like to remember where it is, and I’m a very worthwhile person.

I repeated this several times. Suddenly, the closet flashed into my mind. I rejected the image at first, because I had already twice gone through the pockets of the suit I had worn. Then I got another flash. I hadn’t worn the suit, only the coat. I’d worn a pair of different colored slacks!

Rushing to the closet, I pulled out the slacks I’d worn. There in a pocket was my billfold! Plus, I still had time to get to work by opening hour.

While this may seem a trivial thing to get upset about, my first emotional reaction had the potential to set my whole day on the wrong track. Tapping relieved my anxiety, frustration and anger, and allowed my short-term memory circuits to do their job.

Somebody once observed that 90% of our problems talk back. Because of our histories with people we are easily triggered by their expressions, body language, tone of voice and the ideas we have about what they are thinking. Sometimes these reactions can be a very painful and tangled knot to unravel.

The 3 Perspective Tapping Process gives a step by step method for untying those knots and taking the sting out of difficult interactions and this gives you a chance to change the way you interact with people at a very deep level. It is useful for working out conflicts and misunderstandings between partners and friends and within families and work teams. It is also very useful for therapists, counselors and coaches to understand what is going on in difficult interactions with clients

The process is a blend of EFT and NLP. It is unusual in that it involves moving around to access the different parts of an experience rather than sitting in one place. If you are used to tapping while sitting down this might seem to be an unusual approach. If you try it, I think you will find it is a very powerful way of accessing information you wouldn’t otherwise be able to get at.

The NLP part of this technique is taken from an excellent article Gaining Additional Perspectives In Relationships by respected NLP trainer Steve Andreas. In his process, just gaining the understanding of what was going on was a powerful way of changing your experience and improving the way you interact with others. I have added the specific EFT routines to this process to boost the power of an already powerful technique.

The 3 Perspectives

In any interaction between people there are at least three perspectives, three points of view that you can take:

1st Perspective – Self: This is what is going on from your own perspective. It’s what you are seeing, hearing, feeling and thinking during this encounter with the other person (or people). This is the perspective we usually operate from, it’s our default world view.

2nd Perspective – Other: This is the point of view of the other person (or people). It’s what they are seeing, hearing, feeling and thinking during this encounter with you. From this position we can understand the world from their point of view. If you are very empathic this will be a familiar perspective to you.

3rd Perspective – Observer: This is the point of view of a dispassionate observer, someone who has nothing invested in the outcome but who is interested in both parties and how they interact. From this perspective they can see what is going on with a clarity that is denied to you or the other person. It’s from this perspective that we can see what is going on between other people, the patterns of interactions are blindingly obvious to us (because we are on the outside of the problem), but completely invisible to them (because they are on the inside of a problem).

These perspectives can be very different, and it can be quite difficult to separate these perspectives because the mix of perspectives in our mind can get quite tangled up. We need to use a specific technique to hold the three perspectives separate from one another, so that we can explore them, one at a time and do some tapping on each of them.

In everyday life we use the word ‘viewpoint’ to mean a place on the ground from where we can see things of interest. To separate out these inner perspectives we create three distinct ‘mental viewpoints’ marked out in physical space by marking spots on the floor in the form of a triangle.

Placing each of these perspectives on a position on the floor allows us to move between them sorting out the different thoughts and feelings that go with different points of view. It’s a physical way of separating out what is usually jumbled together.

Tips

If this is the first time you have used this process I recommend that you go through the steps without tapping to get a sense of how these three perspectives feel and get some practice in the mechanics of the process. Refer to the Steve Andreas article for more information.

This process just needs awareness and simple tapping. You don’t need to use any reframing or install positive feelings. In fact, that will probably get in the way of a thorough piece of work. The best mindset for this technique is mindfulness, awareness and the ability to tap on what you notice without wanting it to turn out in any particular way. If you adopt this approach you may be surprised by the insights you gain into yourself and others.

Allow yourself to notice whatever arises no matter how unpleasant or judgmental, we all experience such thoughts and feelings, this is what we are seeking to clear with the tapping.

Some people find it easier than others to visualise, you don’t need to be an expert visualizer to make this process work, you just need a sense of what is going on with the imagined other however you conceive that to be.

Important: You must not use this process to work on your interactions with a person who has been, or still is, associated with traumas and abuse in your life. You need to take care of those memories and their aftermath before using this approach, supported by a suitably trained professional if possible.

Instructions

1. Mark out three positions on the floor. Each position should be about two paces apart, in the form of an equal sided triangle. If you need to you can mark out the positions with index cards or post it notes.

The lower left hand point of the triangle marks the Self (1st Perspective) position, the lower right hand point of the triangle marks out the Other (2nd Perspective position), the point of the triangle marks the Observer (3rd Perspective) position.

2. Think of the person you have difficulties dealing with.

3. Step onto the Self position and imagine the difficult person standing in front of you in the Other position.

4. Notice all the reactions in you and about them that come to mind. Tap on the following aspects:

All the things they do that provoke a judgement or reaction (The first line is the form of the set-up statement followed by a few examples.)

Even though they / he / she … I accept myself and how I feel
Even though he is so annoying I accept myself and how I feel – Reminder phrase – he is so annoying
Even though she is always causing trouble I accept myself and how I feel – Reminder – she is always causing trouble
All the feelings that you experience when faced with this person, all the things you feel about the situation and them.
Even though I feel guilty about hurting her I accept myself and how I feel
Even though I feel angry I accept myself and how I feel
Even though I mess it up every time, I accept myself and how I feel.

Typically, each round of tapping will bring new aspects to light as you peel back all the layers of reaction and response. Be as thorough as you can be. The ideal is to be calm and neutral before moving onto the next step.

5. When the intensity of your reactions have subsided, step from the Self position to the Observer position. Imagine leaving yourself behind (it might even help to give your body a little shake to dispel any residual feelings). Put your self in the frame of mind of a kind observer of the human situation and look back at how those two individuals interact.

Tap on the interactions that you notice until the charge on each observation is reduced:

Even though they … I accept myself and how I feel
Even though they are always arguing I accept myself and how I feel – Reminder phrase – they are always arguing
Even though he is bullying her I accept myself and how I feel – Reminder phrase – he is bullying her
Even though she is being a doormat I accept myself and how I feel – Reminder phrase – she is being a doormat.

Tap on how you react (as the observer) to these interactions:

Even though it makes me sad, I accept myself and how I feel
Even though I feel angry about this, I accept myself and how I feel

6. When the intensity of the interactions and the observer’s feelings about them have calmed, step from the Observer position into the Other position.

When you do this imagine that you are stepping into the other person’s skin, so that you can see what they see, hear what they hear and feel what they feel. From this perspective look back at the Self position and see yourself as they see you. Notice how that you looks, sounds and feels to the person whose space you are occupying. Notice how you feel about that ‘other person’ (the imagined you), and what they do.

Tap on your thoughts and judgements (as the other person) about you ‘standing’ in the Self position:

Even though ‘he’ is being aggressive, I accept myself and how I feel – Reminder phrase: He is being aggressive.
Even though ‘she’ looks pitiful, I accept myself and how I feel. – Reminder phrase: She looks pitiful

Tap on your feelings (as the other person) as you are looking back at yourself:

Even though I am disappointed, I accept myself and how I feel
Even though I feel annoyed, I accept myself and how I feel.
Continue tapping until your feelings (as the other person) have settled down.

7. When the intensity of those feelings have gone down, step from the Other position (shaking off any residual feelings if you need to) back to the Observer position. How does the interaction between those two people appear now? If there are any other issues that need tapping for, take care of them now as in step 5.

8. When you are satisfied with what you are noticing from the Observer position, step back into the Self position. Take a few moments to settle back into yourself and be aware of what it is like to face this person now.

If there is still work to do with your reactions to that person you can repeat the process, either immediately, or from time to time when needed. It is possible to learn from and have more things to tap on if you go through the process a couple of times.
Notice what is different when you are next in the presence of this person.

3 Perspectives Tapping can undo very deep patterns of interaction with other people, not only do your responses change without making any conscious changes but their responses to you may also change without any effort from you.

Andy Hunt is an EFT & NLP Trainer and Practitioner living in the North East of England. He works with people who give themselves a hard time, judge themselves harshly, feel bad about themselves and spend far more time beating themselves up than living the life they would want. Visit him online at www.practicalwellbeing.co.uk.

Sometimes, the most mundane occurrences in life light up for us and take on a very personal meaning. If that happens, it can be a great opportunity to do EFT on issues that might have escaped our attention otherwise.

For me, it was a bee. The bee had come into my office somehow and now tried to get out – through the closed window. It was buzzing loudly and bumping against the glass over and over again. The buzzes got louder, the bumping (doesn’t that hurt?) got more intense. Of course, I have seen that before, who hasn’t. However, this time it became a “waking dream” for me, this moment of heightened awareness. Since the window is screened, I could not just open it. So I got a little ziplock bag and tried to catch the bee in order to carry it to the balcony and set the insect free. It wasn’t easy. The bee, of course, did not understand that a higher intelligence (at least in these circumstances) was about to save its life and resisted fiercely. Finally I succeeded, and the bee was freed.

This could have been it: my little good deed for the day. But it wasn’t. The behavior of the bee made me feel strangely uncomfortable. Isn’t that what I do often too? Bumping again and again into the same wall, stubbornly doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results (which is the definition of insanity according to Einstein – who should know).

So I decided to write down, rapidly, a little list of areas in my life that resembled the bee’s behavior in some way. I instantly came up with 7 items! Not all of them big, but each of them could use some change of approach.

I picked one issue for doing EFT that had been bothering me for a while. It was my reaction to a friend who recently was diagnosed with an illness (not life threatening) and did not handle it well at all. She lives in another country, and we have frequent and long phone conversations. Since the diagnosis our calls had become very unpleasant for me. Endless wailing and whining (“Why me?”) mixed with resentment and bitterness (“I don’t deserve this!”), and no opening whatsoever for gaining a higher perspective. I had started dreading her calls, clenching my teeth when she was talking and giving rather harsh advice. (Tapping while she was talking did not help.) I was stuck, repeating the same response over and over.

So, after the bee incident and putting this issue on my list, I started tapping.

Even though she is whiny and wimpy and downright enjoys sitting in a black hole, and it drives me crazy, and I really don’t want to talk to her anymore – this is what I feel.

Even though she is a spoiled little girl just crying for attention and has no idea what other people go though with much more serious health issues, and that makes me feel resentful – I accept every part of me.

Even though I fee like an idiot because she just uses me, and I feel dismissed because she does not want to hear what I have to say although I know so much and I could really help her – I am still a wise woman and a good practitioner.

Wow! I had not been aware how deep that went and how angry I was. So I tapped several rounds until the intensity went from an 8 to a 3. I now understood that it really has been shocking to her to be confronted with this, there was physical pain involved, and she did not need me to educate her but just to listen.
Then I called her and asked how she was doing. Well! She was a changed woman. Very calm, reasonable and rational, not a spot of self-pity. She is still not open to tapping or any other self-awareness method, but she never was. (What I love about her is her big, warm heart and her acute sense of humor.)

This proves again that EFT works in mysterious ways – and that we should pay attention to the little things in our lives because they can carry big messages.

P.S. Moving on to the other points on my list…

Carna Zacharias-Miller is an EFT practitioner in Tucson, Arizona. Her specialty is childhood trauma. Find out more at www.EmotionalWellnessCoach.net, www.MissingMother.com

Editor’s Note: We originally ran across CJ’s account via EFT-Articles.com. She gave us permission to republish and offered to contact Cynthia to see how she was doing. She provides a detailed update at the end of this article.

In November 2009, I taught a three-day EFT workshop in New York. At the beginning of the first day, I asked whether anyone was experiencing pain or discomfort. Several people raised their hands and reported headaches, shoulder pain, neck pain, back pain, and knee pain ranging anywhere from 3 to 10 on the 0-to-10 scale. One woman, Cynthia, said her lower back hurt so much that she had decided to return home. “I know I just got here,” she said, “but on a scale of zero to 10, it’s a 22.”

I invited Cynthia to stay for a few minutes, after which if she didn’t feel better, she could certainly go home. She accepted, and we tapped as a group on behalf of everyone who was hurting. At the end of EFT’s Basic Recipe, most felt substantially better, including Cynthia. We then tapped for “this remaining pain,” which brought further improvement. Nearly all of the volunteers were either completely pain-free or close to it, and Cynthia’s pain level fell to a 2.

Then suddenly her pain rose to a 3. I said to the group, “This is interesting. Cynthia is probably tuning into a different aspect of her back pain problem.” Turning to Cynthia, I asked, “What were you thinking about when your pain moved up a notch?”

She said, “I was thinking that you were probably going to ask me to stand up and see how my pain had changed, and that made me nervous.” So we tapped on her apprehension about standing up. Soon Cynthia could barely find her pain.

I asked if she would be comfortable standing up now and she said yes. She gingerly stood and cautiously bent to the left, right, and back. Her movements were tentative and it was obvious that she expected to feel discomfort, especially when bending forward. “There’s no way I’m going to do that,” she said.

I asked, “Are you afraid?” and she said, “Yes!” So she sat back down and we tapped on:

Even though I’m afraid of falling down, afraid of hurting myself, afraid of the pain coming back, and I’m really afraid of bending forward, I deeply and completely accept myself.

At the end of that round of tapping, Cynthia was delighted to stand and bend forward a few inches, reporting that she felt much better.

We talked about back pain in general and someone mentioned Dr John Sarno, the author of several books about back pain. Dr Sarno’s theory is that none of the things that are blamed for back pain, like herniated discs, actually cause it. He shows his patients x-rays of backs with damaged or bulging discs and other problems that are supposed to cause pain, but all of them came from people who are pain-free. He says it isn’t the discs or old injuries that cause pain. Instead, he says, the reason your back hurts is because you’re angry. “Might you be angry about something?” I asked Cynthia.

“Yes!” she shouted. “I’m furious! I’m 63 years old, way too old to start over, and I’m in real estate, which is going nowhere these days. I have a horrible relationship with my partner of 17 years, who’s an alcoholic. I’m worried about my stepfather, who is elderly and frail and lives hundreds of miles away. I’m depressed and worried, and I have really serious financial problems.”

Wow, that was some list! Everyone in the class could see that Cynthia had several issues to choose from when it came to EFT tapping.

“Which of these would you like to start with?” I asked. “What would you most like to tap for?”

She thought for a moment, considering all the options, and then said, “I’d like to tap for my fear of failure.”

Cynthia had just given us a perfect example of a global issue, one that is so vague and general that it might or might not improve with EFT, and if it did, the tapping probably wouldn’t produce a dramatic change.

“Let’s aim for a specific event that has contributed to your fear of failure,” I suggested. “Think of all the things you’re angry about and give each one a title, like a movie. You don’t have to tell us what they are, but if you feel comfortable sharing one of them with us, the EFT will probably work faster. Let us know when you have a specific event that makes you angry.”

“I have one,” she said. “I’ll call it The Forgery.”

I had no idea what The Forgery was but it had to be big and was probably traumatic, so instead of asking Cynthia right away to tell us what happened, we started by taking the edge off, by tapping about The Forgery in general:

Even though I’m so angry about The Forgery that I can’t think straight, I deeply and completely accept myself.

Even though The Forgery makes me furious, I deeply and completely accept myself.

Even though no one can understand the terrible effect The Forgery has had on my life, I love and accept myself anyway.

All of these setups made sense to Cynthia, who nodded throughout. If the statements hadn’t made sense to her, we would have switched to something else, but her body language made her agreement clear. For anyone working with trauma issues, the Setup Phrase “No one understands how I feel about this” is usually a safe and effective place to start. After a round of this generalized tapping, Cynthia began to relax. She also began to elaborate, which is a normal reaction to effective tapping. “Here’s what happened,” she said. “My partner, ‘John,’ forged my signature and cleaned out my retirement account. That’s why I’m angry.”

We tapped for her raided retirement account, for her anger toward John, for the terrible things he did with her money (most of it went to liquor stores), for her anger toward herself for allowing this to happen, and for her fear of a penniless future. Gradually the tension in her face relaxed, her sense of humor came back, and she laughed at some of the Setups we used, like, “Even though I’m 63 years old and have one foot in the grave and my life is over… and even though I’ll be homeless for sure, I’ll be living in a cardboard box….”

After another round of tapping, I asked Cynthia how she felt. “Well, now I’m not angry any more,” she said. “Now I feel sad.”

This was a new aspect and one that reflected a cognitive shift. Cynthia was looking at her event from a different perspective. We tapped for everything that Cynthia felt sad about. Throughout the tapping, I encouraged Cynthia to say whatever was on her mind, which made it easy to create Setup Phrases that used her own words.

At the end of that round of tapping, she said, “I don’t feel sad any more. Now I think about John and I feel pity.”

Cynthia agreed that she was still light years away from forgiving John for ruining her life, but she was one step closer to considering the possibility of one day doing so. This led to a discussion about forgiveness (one of Gary Craig’s favorite themes) and grudges and how healing occurs. Cynthia agreed that letting go of the pain-producing anger she had brought to the workshop was already helping her think more clearly about her situation, so that she felt resourceful rather than defeated. Then Cynthia jumped to her feet and said, “Watch this!” She bent her back in all directions and effortlessly touched her toes.

Because the workshop lasted three days, we had plenty of opportunities to test Cynthia’s progress. Her back continued to feel terrific and in fact felt more and more flexible and free. On the second day, after reviewing her tapping experience for the class, Cynthia was able to tell us The Forgery story without hesitation and without any emotional discomfort. When I asked whether she would feel comfortable telling us how she discovered the forgery, she described without hesitation how she got a phone call from a credit card company saying that her payment was late and that in fact several months had passed without payment.

“I said that’s impossible,” Cynthia told us. “John had been paying all my bills for years and they were always paid on time. But the person on the phone kept insisting that my account was in arrears. I knew there had to be a mistake so I went to my bank and asked for copies of my recent statements. And there it was in black and white. Most of the checks were made out to a liquor store or to cash. He’d been stealing from me for months. And when he ran out of ready cash, he forged my signature on the retirement account and cleaned me out completely.”

“Yesterday at the beginning of the workshop,” I asked, “did it occur to you that you would be telling us about what happened or any of the details about how you learned about it?”

“Absolutely not,” she said, “I would have died of embarrassment. In fact, I still can’t believe I’m doing this. But it’s amazing. I feel completely comfortable.”

What Might Have Happened

My husband, Stephen, is a psychiatrist. He was able to attend the November workshop, and he observed Cynthia’s transformation with interest. “While watching Cynthia’s response to EFT,” he says, “I couldn’t help but consider what might have happened if she had gone to a physician with her complaint of severe back pain. This symptom would have been considered as presumptive evidence of an anatomic abnormality causing inflammation and muscle spasm, and she likely would have been subjected to radiologic investigations, most likely CT or MRI scanning of her back looking for disc pathology. Then Cynthia would have been given anti-inflammatory medications to take by mouth, and, depending upon the findings of the scans, she might have been subjected to injections or referral to a physical therapist, with attempts to stretch contracted muscles and to build her core muscle strength in her abdominal muscles. It seems unlikely that a physician would consider that there might be any connection to her emotions, and her shame about what had happened in her relationship would have inhibited her from mentioning her finances or her exploitation by her partner. If this information did come out, she would have been referred to a counselor or psychiatrist, with the inevitable waiting period, followed by appointments in which she would be encouraged to discuss the events and her feelings, possibly followed by a conclusion that she was depressed, with antidepressant medication considered and prescribed. Many medical practitioners believe that rapid relief of back pain is not possible, and they assume that this symptom is probably going to be chronic and is not likely to respond much to treatment.”

Seven Weeks Later

Seven weeks later, when I asked Cynthia for an update, she replied, “Since our workshop I have continued to tap twice a day and I am happy to report that I am still completely mobile and have let go of the back pain to the point where I have resumed my normal routines at my local gym. If I experience ‘stress moments’ in between my tapping times, I silently massage the sore spot on my chest (when in public) or go directly to the tapping points that I have discovered are most effective for me, which are under my eyes and on my collar bone, and that helps me stay balanced and focused.

“I tap in the morning and at night. The morning ritual is just for me. My evening tapping is as much for other people, and it takes place after my quiet time of prayer and meditation. This tapping is done on a vision board of family and friends. I tap for all of them but especially for those who are physically or mentally struggling. Also on that vision board is my daughter’s cat, Bubba, whom you might remember from the first workshop I attended last year, when I asked everyone to tap for him. Well, Bubba is still alive and going strong, and the vet has dubbed Bubba the miracle cat.

“To be honest with you,” she concluded, “I don’t think about the forgery at all anymore. There is no anger, resentment, anxiety, or now that I am specifically trying to think of it, no feelings whatsoever. It’s almost as though all emotion about the forgery has been erased from my mind. It’s merely something that happened. How great is that???!!!!”

At an EFT workshop the following June, Cynthia brought the class up to date, explaining that her former partner no longer lived with her but now her stepfather did, the future was looking brighter, and she continued to feel well and free from pain.

Followup with Cynthia

And this week (January 2011), over a year after the workshop that helped change her life, Cynthia wrote, “My back is fantastic!!! I have absolutely NO physical limitations. I bend, stretch, and lift heavy objects, and best of all I continue to tap every single day. In the morning it is a ritual with me, and I tap as needed through the day. As you may know, I am a member of AlAnon, which has strict guidelines of using only their literature at meetings. On several occasions I have observed a person in extreme distress and after the meetings have shared EFT with them. It is amazing to watch someone go from frantic to relaxed in a matter of minutes. I am so blessed to have been exposed to EFT and am able to continue to use it for my own energy and share it with others.”

Regarding her relationship with her partner, she added, “The months following our November workshop were difficult. My partner’s behavior become increasingly erratic and I was coping with the additional stress of worrying about my stepfather in Indiana, who had been successfully living on a feeding tube for 10 years. However, after the death of my mother, he seemed to ‘shift’ his needs to me. I found myself traveling back and forth to Indiana every other month. Each time I traveled I returned home to a new crisis. Once on a return trip the bank actually called me in Indiana to say my mortgage had not been paid. Foolishly I had left the money with John for him to take to the bank while I was away.

“Finally in April, Dad moved in with us in New Jersey. Even though this move was sanctioned by my partner, things did not go well. John’s behavior became more bizarre. His drinking increased, but always in secret. He worked the overnight shift as a security guard at an adult community. His job was at the main gate house. He would disappear for several hours each day, claiming he was chatting with friends. I later found out he was visiting a female massage service … if you can interpret my indication. When he returned home he would sleep for an hour or so, get up, eat something, go back to bed, and the routine would go on like this until he left for work. The household became a prison for Dad and me. We tiptoed around, spoke in whispers, and stayed out of the house as much as possible.

“The last straw came when John called from work late one evening to fight with me. I told him I would be sleeping on the couch. He told me if I wasn’t in bed when he came home, he was going to throw me off the balcony. I hung up the phone and called the police. They advised me to leave the house for the evening. So we packed up Dad’s feeding pole and went to my daughter’s house. The next day I applied for a restraining order, which John violated, and he was taken to jail. I now have a permanent restraining order against him.”

Cynthia’s life became more stressful when her stepfather as hit by a truck while he was crossing a pedestrian crosswalk. Because of his age (82) and the seriousness of his condition (many broken bones), he has been moved several times from hospital to nursing home and back again. “But he is doing well,” she says, “and the doctor thinks that another six to eight weeks of physical therapy will enable him to come home and be able to walk with a walker.

“As far as recovering any monies that I lost ” she says, “I was advised by an attorney that I relinquished all those rights when I was forced to refinance my condo. Interesting how the law works … or doesn’t … isn’t it? I’m grateful to EFT for helping me deal with stressful moments. It has helped me cope with the things I can change and the things I can’t. Since my very first exposure to EFT, tapping has become a way of life for me. Just like coffee or tea in the morning. I am addicted to my daily dose of centering myself and getting my instant energy boost. I also tap during the day while at work and in times of stress. I do a quick body scan to find the EFT spot that seems to be seeking attention and silently tap that spot. It’s amazing how something so simple can give produce such an immediate response. I am a happy tapper and am forever grateful to you for teaching me the process.”

Breaking up can be one of the most painful things we go through in this life. Many people carry deep scars from their divorce that never seem to heal. And some go through breakup after breakup. This is one problem area where EFT can radically improve someone’s life in an amazingly short time.

I’ve come to see “divorce recovery” as a three-part process (and by divorce I really mean any painful breakup). Of course these parts will overlap a bit, but for most of my clients they’ve resolved more or less sequentially.

The aftermath of a break-up often involves tremendous emotional distress. There may be deep hurt and anger, resentment, feelings of betrayal, bitterness, grief and sadness. For the person who broke off the relationship, there can be terrible guilt and self-doubt. These feelings can be incapacitating in their intensity at first. Even years later they may lie right under the surface, unresolved.

Phase One: Tapping Through the Storm

Dealing with this morass is what I call “Phase One.” Happily, even very straightforward EFT tends to dramatically reduce the intensity of these feelings. A single session can make all the difference here, and because the client feels so much better, it may be tempting to stop at this point. But now, with the heaviest emotions out of the way, a more subtle opportunity has arrived, to discover old patterns and make real changes.

As the storm passes, my clients often find themselves obsessing on their “ex” and on all the circumstances leading to the break up. This tends to be a very unpleasant process. The mind gets stuck on various scenes, imagining what might have been said or done differently. It also goes through endless contortions, trying to make sense of events and put itself in the right.

The feelings here may not be so raw and urgent, but the compulsive nature of this rehashing of events can be crazy making. Applying EFT to this emotional minefield is our “Phase Two.”

Phase Two: Tapping on Each Obsessive Thought

This usually doesn’t need much detective work. It’s more just working down the list, tapping on each obsessive thought in turn. This can be very productive! Often we find that problems in this most recent relationship are not new. These are recurring themes or patterns. Tapping on the most recent iteration often ends up releasing the original distress, even if it that was a childhood trauma.

Letting go of the past this way is very liberating and can have profound effects on the quality of life. Our “Phase Three” involves extending this emotional freedom into our vision of the future.

Phase Three: Looking Down the Road

After a painful break up, looking down the road can be downright terrifying. Somehow that “ex” got in under our radar. Somehow we attracted this person, trusted them and let them in to hurt us so badly. How can we trust ourselves to do better next time? Some clients want to swear off all relationships forever. Others are so desperately lonely they’ll rebound with the first person who smiles at them, often with disastrous results.

Some clients are paralyzed by the fear of seeing their ex again. They imagine seeing them arm in arm with a new lover. Sometimes there is a kind of irrational hopelessness: “This was my last chance, I’m too old to start again, I’ll never find another love like my ex.” Practical financial concerns can often add a note of panic: “I need to get a job immediately! What am I going to do?”

Once again, EFT to the rescue. All of these are tappable issues. Even getting back into the job market becomes more manageable once the anxiety is tapped away. Releasing these future fears can really open the door to a new and much better life.

Watching clients transform their very real emotional anguish into actual gratitude for this new start in life, I feel profound gratitude to Gary Craig for the gift of EFT, and to everyone sharing this gift with the world.

Rob Nelson is a Certified EFT Practitioner in Santa Rosa, California. He specializes in divorce recovery, couples counseling and trauma removal. Visit him online at www.TaprootsEnergyPsychology.com

We were excited to move onto our new property, where we plan to grow the bulk of our own food and restore some areas to native forest, two months ago. Just before we found and bought the property I had an accident that resulted in damage to a disc in my back and to my left shoulder. The accident has meant that in the last two months I have not been able to garden at all on our new property, instead having to ask my partner and our guests (we belong to an organic hosting scheme and have guests from overseas who work and learn with us in the garden) to implement all of my plans for the garden. In addition, the accident has meant I can’t do yoga and a whole bunch of other things I love to do. Yesterday morning this situation resulted in a great example of how EFT can lead us to emotional freedom in our daily lives.

We had some new guests through the organic scheme and I had designed a new kitchen garden, and my partner and our guests were keen to implement it. We started with laying it out and as my partner and I discussed how to do that, I felt my frustration building. My partner made a couple of comments to me which I accused him of being defensive and blaming and I stormed into the house saying that I wasn’t adding any value and he didn’t want my input anyway so they would be better off doing it all without me!

I headed for my bedroom and started tapping:

Even though he gets defensive whenever I suggest another way, and that makes me so angry, I deeply and completely love and accept myself

Even though he doesn’t want me to be involved, he always thinks he knows best…

Even though I’m fed up with him not listening to me…

A couple of rounds of tapping led to the inevitable shift from focusing on it being “all his fault” to what I was actually feeling. Beneath what was presenting was an incredibly strong feeling of frustration:

Even though I’m so frustrated that I couldn’t just take the sticks and string and show them what I wanted to do, instead I had to try to explain everything in the limited container of words which is all I can use these days since I can’t bend, and it’s just sooooo frustrating…

Even though it’s driving me nuts being in the garden and not being able to do anything but stand and watch…

Even though I feel so useless because I can’t do a single thing in the garden…

A few rounds of tapping through the feelings of frustration, and the frustration gave way to sobs and an enormous pool of grief. I cried and cried and tapped on the feelings of grief, not being able to be the physical part of the garden we are creating, not being able to be a part of the team, all the things I can’t do at the moment because of the physical limitations I have while not being able to bend to allow the disc to heal, etc.

Half an hour after my little tantrum, I was back in the garden. Having accepted and truly acknowledged the deep well of grief (aided by my partner and our guests also compassionately witnessing and accepting my deep emotions), I was able to realise that I am a part of the team. I had done the whole design for the garden and was key in coming up with the whole concept and communicating what we want to achieve to our guests. I spent the rest of the day enjoying simply being in the garden with the others as they turned my plans on paper into a reality on the ground. Nothing had changed on the outer – I still couldn’t bend over or do anything to create the garden physically, but I had accepted my role in it and could enjoy the others creating it. That’s emotional freedom!

I am so very thankful for EFT, which allows me to turn towards my emotions, instead of pushing them down without even realising that I’m doing it. Here’s to us all finding our way towards true emotional freedom.

Jo Hainsworth
www.selfheal4me.com

A few years ago, I found a creative way to use EFT to help a client who had some “bones to pick” with several people at his workplace but knew it would be unwise to really confront them. It was a work situation in which he (we’ll call him Paul) had been treated unfairly by several colleagues. Due to the dynamics of the workplace, it would have only made things worse to have it out with them, but Paul was still seething with anger and resentment . Here’s what we did.

I had Paul sit in my recliner, which made it easy for me to tap for him. As he thought about his feelings concerning each of the three people who had wronged him, we tapped like this:

Karate Chop point:

Even though I’m still angry at them, I deeply accept myself.
Even though I’m still angry and hurt, too… they really betrayed me… I accept myself with kindness and compassion.
And even though I can’t say this to her face, this is what I would tell “Kelly” if I could….

Then I tapped on all the points (eyebrow, side of eye, etc) as Paul expressed all his hurt and anger:

“How could you do this to me? I thought you were my friend. And I’ve bailed you out in the past. Is this the thanks I get? You’re so intent on getting ahead, you don’t care who you step on. You’d better not expect any favors from me, I’ve had it with you. You’re not my friend. You went behind my back. How unprofessional and how low.” (etc.)

I kept tapping until he couldn’t think of anything else to say to her. He took a bit sigh and said he felt a lot better.

Then we tackled the other two people involved in the same way. We stated in the Set-up:

“Even though I can’t say this to his/her face, if I could tell this person off, this is what I would say…”

And then Paul expressed his anger and hurt and disappointment in every way he could think of. It began to get silly and even funny. Soon he felt extremely calm and free of all the anger. He could breathe deeply for the first time in days.

I often use a little inner imagery to finish up. We finished with a brief visualization in which Paul imagined a courtroom and put them all on trial before a judge and jury. We went right to the outcome and he felt deep satisfaction as they all were found guilty. I asked him what they’d be sentenced to. “A year of community service. That way, they’ll have to think of someone besides themselves.”

UPDATE: Recently, I received this update from Paul: “I just thought that I would share with you that I have been promoted! I would not have been able to keep a positive attitude if it had not been for the sessions we had and all of your help through this difficult time.”

How good to know that, because he tended to his angry feelings with EFT, he was able to maintain a professional attitude despite the difficulties –and eventually it really paid off.